Introduction & First Impressions

Winter is cold. It makes everything it touches cold. It makes my hands cold, my nose cold, me feet cold. Heck, I’m even sporting a dickcicle between my legs as we speak. Hats, gloves, and socks can solve my first three problems, but what is a person to do about a cold penis? Buy it a sweater? Wrap it in a blanket? Nuke it in the microwave?

Before anyone tries to put their junk in the science oven, let me first introduce you to the Satisfyer Men Heat and Vibration! The key word there being HEAT!

Read More »

Introductions & First Impressions

I never win anything. I know that literally everyone says this, but I truly mean it. I never win anything. I am the most unlucky person I know. So you can imagine how floored I was to see a DM from Blush Novelties in my Twitter inbox saying I had won something. I did a double take, I thought for sure they had made a mistake and any moment I would receive a second DM saying “Haha, whoops, that was meant for someone else.” And yet… that second DM never arrived… I had actually won something!

Read More »

Introduction & First Impressions

Eggs. They are so versatile. You can boil them, scramble them, poach them, eat them sunny side up or over easy. You can make them into omelettes, put them on toast, turn them into a quiche. You can even masturbate with them. Wait, what? Okay, don’t masturbate with an egg… at least not a real egg. You can however masturbate with a Tenga Egg.

I love the Tenga Eggs, I find the whole concept delightfully wacky. I encountered my first Tenga Egg at during an AVN show many years back.

Read More »

I know my blog is brand spankin’ new and we’ve only known each other for a very short time, but I’m not embarrassed to say that I like you. I might even love you. I love that you come here to read my thoughts on sex toys. I love my readers (however few you may be, but we will grow in numbers) so much I want to do something nice for you!

With the help of Kitten Boheme (go check out her blog if you aren’t familiar) I have secured a mighty fine sex toy to host my very first giveaway with!

Read More »

Introduction & First Impressions

The perfect dildo doesn’t exist–

*the Uberrime Splendid Dual Density Dildo exists*

Never mind, I stand corrected. This dildo is nigh on perfect. This dildo feels like it was molded for my ass and my ass alone. It fits so perfectly. Never have I loved a dildo so completely as I do the Splendid. So hats off to Uberrime, they make a good dildo.

Uberrime is a small dildo crafter (a team of one) specializing in hand sculpted, hand poured, silicone toys of amazing quality. I have multiple Uberrime toys in my collection already and I can see myself owning multitudes more in the future,

Read More »

Introduction & First Impressions

What is this? Why did I use it? Can I get those wasted hours of my life back?

Those are the exact thoughts I am having while thinking about the CalExotics Get Hard Head Pump Set. I am having so many thoughts and almost none of them are good. I am feeling a sense of civic duty to write this review. I used this toy so you don’t have to. I can save you from wasting your precious coinage.

I tried to keep an open mind with this one.

Read More »

Introduction & First Impressions

First of all, I would like to say a great big “HELLO” to everyone. Thank you for joining me on my very first blog post here at Hardwood Reviews! I hope that we are on track to become great friends (or at least tolerable acquaintances) and that you will be back regularly to read more! I had a tough time choosing what to review for my very first sex toy review, did I want to review a cock ring? Or maybe a cock ring? Or maybe a cock ring would make for an excellent first review!

Read More »